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Nov. 23rd, 2014

Cutting

Too many nights of my adolescence were spent sitting on the bathroom floor of my parent's house ripping my leg open. I would deconstruct a cheap plastic pink razor, peeling the soap strip and hard plastic up, then the thin sheath that protected the metal. Once I finally wiggled the slim metallic bar from the pink posts, it was time to do the devil's work.

It always started on the outside of my knee, right where a garter would belong. I made small diagonal slits at first, and they grew as the excitement and dread of the beaded blood filled my head. I would make my way up, dragging the bargain metal slabs in longer and longer streams. I would peel the skin away from the slits so more vermillion would leak up through the dermal layer. The sting was sharp but softened the throbbing in my skull. To be torn away from the angst in that calcium coffin served me well, even though it left as quickly as it came.

Slicing myself was a coping mechanism I used for 8 years- I have the abnormal slits scarred into my arms and when the light hits them just right, I am reminded that I carry their weight. I can never escape the heaviness that lays on my heart from the wounds I administered to my own body. Some speak of emotional scars that they bear but I bear the marks- the flesh and fucking blood.

Sep. 16th, 2013

(no subject)

You’ve come a long way girl. You still block the pieces that are unlivable, but you do it to preserve what innocence you want to have left. At a young age, you were made to grow up fast. The horrors in your head would turn the strongest of stomachs. No matter how you try to fight it, your old soul is bruised and calloused. You have had to grow from unfertile soil, without water or nourishment. And boy, did you grow tough on the outside. Your stalks rose from the ground, gnarled and green, resilient and impossible to kill. From the tiny seeds, you knew that everything would be okay if you just reached towards the sun. The warmth was there to comfort to you, the hope of the brightness drew you upward. But you grew with thorns, thousands of them- just waiting to draw the blood of anyone curious enough to steal a stroke. It was your defense, preservation of what lies inside. photo(1)But now your leaves are maturing. You are ruminating with the hopes of budding your beautiful flowers- you just need to keep nourishing your soil and nurturing your spirit, in preparation for your roses to bloom. It is almost time, you are almost there. You just need to keep your head to the sun.

Aug. 6th, 2012

(no subject)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

Mar. 18th, 2012

(no subject)

This is exactly how I feel. I am not going to explain it. Take it as you wish.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Feb. 26th, 2012

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

I haven't written in my LiveJournal since last April, and it's haunting to read my past entries. It doesn't seem like me, but like a friend I used to know. A broken girl that I watched crumble day in and out. She's still in me though, she just manifests differently now.

I live in SLO now, I moved in with Matt last June, when he moved away for his internship. He would come home on weekends, and we have been happy since :) I think he saved my life, and continues to do so, even though I'm sure he doesn't know it. Last year when we first started hanging out, I was drinking gobs of whiskey and I've mellowed out a bit. My poison is still that fucking devil water, not to a point where it interferes with my life. I'll have a drink or two on the weekend nights, (I got sloshed last weekend though, when some friends came over and we went to a punk show).... I can't fail out of school, and if I ever want to become a doctor (which I want more than anything, fuck having children), I best keep that part together.

So is this where I say that things are happily ever after? God, if only there was such a thing, I think that we all would be terribly bored. Sometimes you've got to burn down your house, keep the dreaming alive, right?

I still have a lot of hate in me, that fire won't be doused. I wish that that part would. Instead of letting it rear its ugly head like I was with alcohol and pills and cutting and purging, I have it buried deep inside. I think I may be more in denial now with what is wrong in my head, telling myself that I'm fixed. I'm not. My glass is still in shards.

I cut for the first time the other day. One small cut and a poke. Then I cut again on Friday, 4 or 5 little lines on my leg. I was in the strangest mood, did not know whether I wanted to laugh or cry,because it changes from one moment to the next. When I don't have the distractions of school and work, my mind implodes in on itself.

I have not vomited since September which is such a fucking accomplishment. I still continue to binge on treats and starve other days, exchanging one for the other. It's still very much disordered eating.

I just wanted to check in and say that the monster is still very much alive :( I have yet to slay him, but I have him locked deeper than ever. Scratches at my insides though, and someday its going to get out.

Apr. 30th, 2011

(no subject)


Apr. 18th, 2011

(no subject)

Yes Brandi, let's tell the world your secrets so that you have no insulation, let's tear down your walls brick by brick so that you have no protection. let's tell someone that tells you that they are in love with you that you don't even love yourself. you are such a smart girl. now use that fucking head for once. you are so lucky that someone still wants possession of these damaged goods of yours. someone is willing to take your broken pieces and mend them back to brand new. how easy it would be to trade you in, smash you into shards and find a new shiny one. but he wants you. you have character, your heart has mileage, you've been used and abused, mostly by by your very own self. you don't know how lucky you are. you better start loving yourself, or else.

Apr. 11th, 2011

(no subject)




This girl throws her insides up every fucking day,
I cannot stand things sitting inside of my body.
To the point it makes me jam fingers down my throat.
To the point of pushing all the boys and girls away.
Especially the boys.
I wallow in this, I soak myself in my misery.
Fuck you monster, but you do love me in a sick way don't you.
You are the abusive boyfriend, you are the one tying my hands.
Swollen lips and sunken hips.
More than 300 calories and it's a one way ticket to the porcelain fuckin godshow
Time to get on my knees and bow down
Fight it. It's never done you any good.

Jan. 4th, 2011

(no subject)

I keep fading in and out of recovery. It's a slippery ride, this monster has me on.


Dec. 16th, 2010

(no subject)

I am my own heroine. No one else is going to fight this for me.

That's all I have to say.

Nov. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

whoa monster, let go...
i can't let you drag me off again
it will be the death of me

Aug. 27th, 2010

epiphany

so i still log on to the proanorexia community on here. and now it just makes be feel horribly sad. i am finally out of the grips and vices of my monster and to see girls be where i was and feel how i felt is terribly heartbreaking. and i want to help them soo much. to show them they have value, to tell them that they have the strength to say " you know what eating disorder?! fuck you!" we all have that ability to fight. but we will remain prisoners as long as we lie down and take it.

i just feel in my bones what ive waited years to feel. to feel good enough and strong enough. and it feels fucking great :)

Jul. 25th, 2010

(no subject)

i want to fight.
i want to fight for all those little girls that have had their worlds smashed to pieces
i want to fight for those girls that have been ripped from innocence and thrown into the fire.
i want to save them. to make them see that they are worth the world, worth so much more than what they have been shown.
i will fight to see the day where my body isn't a reminder of the repulsive crimes commited against me.
i will not lie down and die. i will not let them pick the flesh from my bones that is mine and mine alone.
i will fight until i die.
until that day comes you will see the hell in my eyes

Jul. 14th, 2010

this week


whenever i go back and read my old posts i get terribly sad :( it seems like im peeking into another girl's life. :\

(no subject)



my new tattoos...... no words can better describe my life than these

May. 1st, 2010

Writer's Block: First and only

Is there a film that you think is perfect in its original form and should never be remade?

THE BIRDS. enough said

Mar. 19th, 2010

(no subject)

its pretty sad when i have only an apple all day, then come home and wait til evening to open my mouth. then i have a bit of bread, a few small cookies and 2 bites of spaghettii and feel the need to purge it. i SUCK. sorry tummy.

Mar. 18th, 2010

(no subject)

today blew. thats all i have to say

Mar. 16th, 2010

(no subject)



a picture of me a little while back.. havent posted a new one in awhile.

im super tempted to dye my hair back to electric pink. i dont even like pink much but i liked waking up in a cartoon of hair and bright tattoos :)




heres another for good measure :)

my heroes :)



KAMILLA VANILLA



SHERI MOON ZOMBIE



PATRICIA DAY

Mar. 11th, 2010

(no subject)

goddamn ive grown up.
reading old posts makes me happy to be an old lady.
fuck that little girl.

Apr. 19th, 2009

(no subject)

1st GW:133
2nd GW:127
3rd (final?)GW: 123

is that so much to ask?? i dont think so.
i get depressed when im on the proanorexia forum and read about people complaining that they weigh 108 pounds. but then i have to remind myself that im 5'8 and most people on there are much shorter than me. but stillit kinda bugs that id probly die before getting into one oh something.

(no subject)

april 12th is my vegan starting point.... still doing well with it.

Feb. 3rd, 2009

ED NOS SURVEY

Height: 5'8
Dress Size: 6ish
Highest Weight: 155
Lowest Weight: 137
Goal Weight: 127

Favorite Diet Food: naked juice. bananas
Favorite Binge Food: cereal
Favorite Exercise: dancing to zombie and manson, running, yoga
Thinspo: porcelain

Where Do You Slip Up? evenings
When Did It Start? when i was 17
Does Anyone Know? yea.
Do You Want Help? nope
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? probly around 600-1000 :(
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? discusting lower half. skeleton upper half with no tatas
Are You In A Relationship? no way
Are You The Fat One Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? thin i guess
Are You Depressed? not at the moment
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? thought about it
Ever Been To A Psychologist? nope i refuse

I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] ednos (normal bmi, but ana tendencies)
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic...or ED-NOS whatever


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

Jan. 20th, 2009

(no subject)

just another quick post. i read just a handful of posts from hawaii. they dont even sound like me. i was just a different person there, not myself, she sounds like a different girl altogether.i think ill read the rest tomorrow. i think its really neat i have things documented like i do on here.

Aug. 8th, 2008

(no subject)

juice fast? two weeks??? hmmmm

May. 8th, 2008

(no subject)

diet coke and gum water and cigarettes.... thats my plan for today... haha

im gunna try to go without anything but i exercised so ill be super week... if i have to eat ill have :yougurt, fruit, veggies and or soy... we will see..

also:

500 jumping jacks today

full building set of stairs

stretches :D

im losing weight and it feels amazing

Jan. 25th, 2008

response to sam

deep down i knew that eventually you personally would write me a response about this...

i agree with most of what you have to say. about judging and whatnot especially (that was going to be the next subject i was going to write a blog about). and you made a valid point about being mad that your parents or peers or whoever it is doesn't accept you. And then you turn around and judge the scensters or the emos or whatever. (i dont mean "you" personally, obviously) I have thought that way for a long time. We get mad for people trying to put us in a catergory.
"your gothic arent you"
"do you worship satan"
or whatever. ive gotten a lot of different shit. thats what people see with the black clothes or the dresses and fishnets i wear. when in reality thats NOWHERE near close. but whatever, we live in a society that automatically places people into categories and i deal with it. but it is very ignorant on their parts.

BUT
if i were to be bothered by the practice of using stereotypes and then in another breath started talking about "how emo that kid looks" or "look at that group of scene kids" id be just as judgemental as the next person. so its really just an endless cycle. and everyone participates in it.

i have friends from pretty much every different culture, and i think thats how it should be.... theres a lot of kids that listen to metal and are part of that CULTURE that i have met. And some of them are DICKS and really have no substance to their personalities, and would no sooner stab you in the back if it meant a personal gain on their part. whatever, im not friends with those kinds of people, just because they're part of that "scene".

and although most of the people that i have met that consider themselves "scene" annoy the hell out of me, i have met a few that are actually really cool people. It shouldn't matter what the fuck someone looks like or listens to and people need to start realizing that.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't judge people, I am saying judge a person by their actions, and what kind of PERSON they are. I'm not saying ohh love THY NEIGHBOR because that is just ignorant. If you "love" everyone then what value does that put on the people that u actually give a shit about. I'm saying if someone treats you like crap then their a fucking jerk and that would be a good reason not to be friends with someone. Not because they wear girl pants or have stupid razored haircuts or whatever. This response went off in a totally weird direction and isnt even about metal anymore, its more an issue of morale, but thats what I have to say.

Jan. 9th, 2008

(no subject)

i haddan eating dream last nite.... i dremt i ate an entire banana cream pie and then i think i may have started crying... i hate food dreams they really freak me out.... plus BANANA CREAM PIE?! i have not even thought about that or had any for YEARS. so i dunno where that came from.... oh wait i didsee a sign at mcdonalds for the banana pies they now have over here in hawaii so thats it im sure....

i need to keep busy. there u go. then i wont eat if im sooo busy.... i could be doing any number of things like ::::

-reading
-researching
-writing
-cleaning
-exercising
-learning
-on a walk
-practicing my makeup art
-taking pictures/editing
-sewing clothes/purses
-working on business plans
-drawing....

sooo many things other than eating.... justin gave me his hydroxycut hardcore.... ur supposed to take a rediculous amount that changes every few days but im just going to take one a day because there really expensive an addicting. therefore i will be WAY less likely to blow it if im using expensive supplements....

im feeling sad lately..... sometimes i dont know if im already dead.


and im miss colorado... i miss the desert alot. something about it that is beautifully desolate and lonely.... im a loner for sure..

Dec. 22nd, 2007

(no subject)

"the difference between want and need is self control."

thatsa fucking gorgeous line. ive been reading back on some of my previous posts, from earlier this year. and it was really comforting. its almost like im seeing an old friend. its a very warm feeling. and i have made yet ANOTHER NEWER plan. liquid fasting til tuesday morning (so 3 quality days).

i HAVE to take my medicine (ecinecea/goldenseal, cough medicine, vitamin c, multivitamin and calcium + birthcontrol pill).... one diet soda. need to get some diet juice. TONS OF WATER. gum and IF TOTALLY NECCICARY then some vanilla yogurt or applesauce which are both liquids. i remember getting high off days like these. i was reading those posts and it really brought me back. i miss who i was earlier this year. im gunna come back to how i was. it worked for me, in a sick way it made me happy. thats what i want, :) goodnite

Dec. 20th, 2007

plea

new plan. im gunna stop being a self loathing whiney little fuck..... "like omg my legs are sooo huge, i am like soooo gross" shut the FUCK up. its my own damn fault. im the only reason for this..... so im going to cut thigs off at the source.

i dont want to hate my body.... im sick off having no self confidence....

Nov. 27th, 2007

survey

1. The phone rings. What is your ring tone?
scream out by the unseen or violet by hole

2. Did you go anywhere yesterday?
yesss

3. Who was the last person you shared beds with?
my sista cuz i was frozen

5. Does the person you like know that you like them?
uhh..

6. Last time you talked to your mom?
lika hour ago. she crazy

7. Where are you right now?
living room

8. If you HAD to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
kissing gets you cooties

9. Favorite gadget in the kitchen?
butcher knives

10. Favorite pie?
apple or my mommas peach pie

11. How is your hair?
uhhh CRAZY

12. Where's the last place you walked to?
i walked around outside last nite at 3 am. i like the dark it calms me down :)

13. Last time you had a sleepover?
hmm...

14. Latest you stayed up in the past week?
4ish

15. What are you doing?
listening to poison the well and texting kelsito burrito

16. Have you been in a car accident?
yea

17. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"FINE!"- cuz chris is being stupid and doesnt love me anymore

18. Who's the 1st person on your missed calls list?
justin

19. What did the last text message you received say?
"holy shit. You should've gone! what is your FUCKING problem?!" in response to why i have missed my THREE FAVORITE BANDS in one fucking week who played only four hours away. (danzig horrorpops and otep). yes i am fucking pissed and regretful and unfortunatly sick. and now i want to kill something

20. Last time you went to church?
we went to hell house before halloween atta church. and i cried lika little bitch. it was really scary

21. Story behind your MySpace song?
it was ill milk of regret by otep but got deleted. it related to a relationship i definetly have/am having

22. What's bothering you right now?
chris


DESCRIBE YOUR:

23.Wallet? black with pyramid spikes
24.Eyes? brown and raccoonish when i paint my face
25.Life? i dont wanna die yet


WHAT ARE YOU:


26.Doing this weekend to come? the show tonite at mesa theater... smile from the trenches and loaded 45 hell yea. and i dunno what else

27.Wearing? black nightie pants and a t shirt i cut up that says fuCKYou

28.Wanting? another fun dyejob

29.Listening to? come back by (old) misfits my favorite misfits song EVER

30.What do you smell? euphoria

31.Do you sleep naked? no... im always too cold!

32.Do you like seafood? ewww

33.Do you remember your dreams? yea theyve been freaking me out lately

34.Do you consider yourself a study freak? no

35.Do you speak another language other than English? a few words in italian

36.What did you do last night? talked to case about how the world is gunna end in 5 years for quite awhile and listened to him play some sweet songs on my accoustic.

37.What do you hate? people who are fake. and people that cant back their shit up. fred durst once said "your mouth's writin checks that ur ass can't cash" yea thats a big no-no. and yea i just quoted fred durst.

38.Orange or apple juice? apple

39.Who were the last people you went out to lunch with? eating out scares me haha... u dont know what they do to ur food when ur not looking!!

40.Last thing you ate? last nite i had some smarties

stereotypes

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be doing them all.

Oct. 18th, 2007

wednesday

i dont have many friends anymore... i went through that and got over it FAST. my whole life i was always kind of a loner at skool, i was shy for awhile, but i got over that... and then i was just so used to being by myself, that i didnt mind it after i stopped being shy... last year i had sooo many friends. i still know a lot of people but friends are fucking overrated.. theyll stab u in the back in a second. i dont need anyone... i have my family. i have justin. i have a couple close aquantinces. im just a loner. and thats ok.







i did well with my stupid eating problem today::

1 bowl of oatmeal :130
1 slimfast bar: 120
1 piece chicken: 50
2/3 cup vegtables: 50
1 piece gum : 5
diet lemonade : 5
total:::: 360 cals..... not bad! my goal was under 500 so that makes me happy!!
plus im takin my calcium and vitamin....

i did all my exercises but no running today i was too tired.
my weights at 139.0.. im getting better!!
i remember when i was 154 last year.... but for some reason i didnt realize that weight as much as i realize these 139 pounds.... my brain is warped.

goodnite to fatty mcfatfat (which would be me)

Oct. 16th, 2007

(no subject)

last november i was at an amazing place. i actually had self control. i didnt binge at all.... up until christmas morning breakfast..... its been all down hill from there... since then its like, okay tomorrow ill do better,, ok monday its gunna be different... i look back at my time in november and i actually admire myself. i want that back. i want to be proud of myself. i really could care less what other people think about me, i want to be happy with myself. i am going back to that. i am going to be happy. i am going to do well. its up to me. its in my power. lets see how strong i am

Oct. 5th, 2007

(no subject)

i fucked up today... so i dont get to eat tomorrow. poopie.

Sep. 25th, 2007

(no subject)

80 calories of vanilla yogurt, then bed... goodnite

Sep. 6th, 2007

dig up her bones

my new thinspiration song:: DIG UP HER BONES by THE MISFITS

(im going to take the dig up her bones lyrics like this: i need to dig up my own bones, through my discusting fat and grossness, im going to dig up my bones myself)

Anything is what she is
Anywhere is where she's from
Anything is what she'll be
Anything as long as it's mine
And the door it opens is a way back in
Or is it way back out?

Anyplace is where she'll be
Anyplace, she'll see you from
Lies and secrets become your world
Anytime, anywhere she takes me away
And death climbs up the steps one by one
To give you the rose
That's been burnt by her son

Point me to the sky above
I can get there on my own
Walk me through the graveyard
Dig up her bones

I have seen the demons face
I have heard of her death place
I fall down on my knees in Praise of the
Horrible things that took her away
And death climbs up the steps one by one
To give you the rose that's
been burnt by her son

Point me to the sky above
I can get there on my own
Walk me through the graveyard
Dig up her bones

Point me to the sky above
I can't get there on my own
Walk me through the graveyard
Dig up her bones
Bones

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