1st GW:133
2nd GW:127
3rd (final?)GW: 123

is that so much to ask?? i dont think so.
i get depressed when im on the proanorexia forum and read about people complaining that they weigh 108 pounds. but then i have to remind myself that im 5'8 and most people on there are much shorter than me. but stillit kinda bugs that id probly die before getting into one oh something.

april 12th is my vegan starting point.... still doing well with it.

Height: 5'8
Dress Size: 6ish
Highest Weight: 155
Lowest Weight: 137
Goal Weight: 127

Favorite Diet Food: naked juice. bananas
Favorite Binge Food: cereal
Favorite Exercise: dancing to zombie and manson, running, yoga
Thinspo: porcelain

Where Do You Slip Up? evenings
When Did It Start? when i was 17
Does Anyone Know? yea.
Do You Want Help? nope
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? probly around 600-1000 :(
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? discusting lower half. skeleton upper half with no tatas
Are You In A Relationship? no way
Are You The Fat One Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? thin i guess
Are You Depressed? not at the moment
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? thought about it
Ever Been To A Psychologist? nope i refuse

I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] ednos (normal bmi, but ana tendencies)
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic...or ED-NOS whatever


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

just another quick post. i read just a handful of posts from hawaii. they dont even sound like me. i was just a different person there, not myself, she sounds like a different girl altogether.i think ill read the rest tomorrow. i think its really neat i have things documented like i do on here.

juice fast? two weeks??? hmmmm

diet coke and gum water and cigarettes.... thats my plan for today... haha

im gunna try to go without anything but i exercised so ill be super week... if i have to eat ill have :yougurt, fruit, veggies and or soy... we will see..

also:

500 jumping jacks today

full building set of stairs

stretches :D

im losing weight and it feels amazing

deep down i knew that eventually you personally would write me a response about this...

i agree with most of what you have to say. about judging and whatnot especially (that was going to be the next subject i was going to write a blog about). and you made a valid point about being mad that your parents or peers or whoever it is doesn't accept you. And then you turn around and judge the scensters or the emos or whatever. (i dont mean "you" personally, obviously) I have thought that way for a long time. We get mad for people trying to put us in a catergory.
"your gothic arent you"
"do you worship satan"
or whatever. ive gotten a lot of different shit. thats what people see with the black clothes or the dresses and fishnets i wear. when in reality thats NOWHERE near close. but whatever, we live in a society that automatically places people into categories and i deal with it. but it is very ignorant on their parts.

BUT
if i were to be bothered by the practice of using stereotypes and then in another breath started talking about "how emo that kid looks" or "look at that group of scene kids" id be just as judgemental as the next person. so its really just an endless cycle. and everyone participates in it.

i have friends from pretty much every different culture, and i think thats how it should be.... theres a lot of kids that listen to metal and are part of that CULTURE that i have met. And some of them are DICKS and really have no substance to their personalities, and would no sooner stab you in the back if it meant a personal gain on their part. whatever, im not friends with those kinds of people, just because they're part of that "scene".

and although most of the people that i have met that consider themselves "scene" annoy the hell out of me, i have met a few that are actually really cool people. It shouldn't matter what the fuck someone looks like or listens to and people need to start realizing that.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't judge people, I am saying judge a person by their actions, and what kind of PERSON they are. I'm not saying ohh love THY NEIGHBOR because that is just ignorant. If you "love" everyone then what value does that put on the people that u actually give a shit about. I'm saying if someone treats you like crap then their a fucking jerk and that would be a good reason not to be friends with someone. Not because they wear girl pants or have stupid razored haircuts or whatever. This response went off in a totally weird direction and isnt even about metal anymore, its more an issue of morale, but thats what I have to say.

i haddan eating dream last nite.... i dremt i ate an entire banana cream pie and then i think i may have started crying... i hate food dreams they really freak me out.... plus BANANA CREAM PIE?! i have not even thought about that or had any for YEARS. so i dunno where that came from.... oh wait i didsee a sign at mcdonalds for the banana pies they now have over here in hawaii so thats it im sure....

i need to keep busy. there u go. then i wont eat if im sooo busy.... i could be doing any number of things like ::::

-reading
-researching
-writing
-cleaning
-exercising
-learning
-on a walk
-practicing my makeup art
-taking pictures/editing
-sewing clothes/purses
-working on business plans
-drawing....

sooo many things other than eating.... justin gave me his hydroxycut hardcore.... ur supposed to take a rediculous amount that changes every few days but im just going to take one a day because there really expensive an addicting. therefore i will be WAY less likely to blow it if im using expensive supplements....

im feeling sad lately..... sometimes i dont know if im already dead.


and im miss colorado... i miss the desert alot. something about it that is beautifully desolate and lonely.... im a loner for sure..

"the difference between want and need is self control."

thatsa fucking gorgeous line. ive been reading back on some of my previous posts, from earlier this year. and it was really comforting. its almost like im seeing an old friend. its a very warm feeling. and i have made yet ANOTHER NEWER plan. liquid fasting til tuesday morning (so 3 quality days).

i HAVE to take my medicine (ecinecea/goldenseal, cough medicine, vitamin c, multivitamin and calcium + birthcontrol pill).... one diet soda. need to get some diet juice. TONS OF WATER. gum and IF TOTALLY NECCICARY then some vanilla yogurt or applesauce which are both liquids. i remember getting high off days like these. i was reading those posts and it really brought me back. i miss who i was earlier this year. im gunna come back to how i was. it worked for me, in a sick way it made me happy. thats what i want, :) goodnite

new plan. im gunna stop being a self loathing whiney little fuck..... "like omg my legs are sooo huge, i am like soooo gross" shut the FUCK up. its my own damn fault. im the only reason for this..... so im going to cut thigs off at the source.

i dont want to hate my body.... im sick off having no self confidence....